Its late, I’m tired but I can’t seem to go to sleep. So here I am attempting to update a few free MMOs, check e-mails, and some blogs, and flesh out some thoughts I’ve been bottling up inside for the past few weeks. There is stuff on PAX, but I’m conflicted if I want to blog about it or not and will most likely revisit the idea of it at a later time or date.
So, right off the bat; the podcast. Last week we got a lot of attention- more than I ever really wanted. A lot of it had to do with miscommunication and misunderstandings. It made me remember what was went through with ffxivblog.com last year and my desire to get away from it as much as possible. However, that didn’t happen since I was unable to say no or immediately clarify my intents and purposes to the others, and was unable to say no to Derrick/Orophen’s desire to do something big despite me desiring something more low key and for personal enjoyment. So the incidents that happened after the series of posts on G+ and then on forums were not really my idea, but I feel like I have no choice to accept blame for them because it wouldn’t have happened if I had been clearer from the get go.
That said, I can’t cry over the negative feedback we get because it was deserved and also warranted whether I liked it or not. When you put yourself out there, there are going to be people who like you and those who don’t. The problem, however, is when on a personal level, I become hyper obsessed with wanting things to be perfect. I did, at one point, follow the links back and read the comments, and had driven myself mad thinking I needed to fit people’s perceptions on what a good show is or isn’t. This didn’t go well on top of many other personal issues going on, and nearly drove myself to a mental breakdown and became one of two reasons why I didn’t make it to the fifth episode recording (the second reason being I needed to pack for PAX and make sure the other three people were ready as well).
At this very moment I am still in a weird mental and emotional state. I’m trying to take things in stride, but my personal life is becoming an ugly mess and is probably making it harder for me to just completely shrug my shoulders and not care. I’m stressed over things I know I shouldn’t be stressed over, and Derrick/Orophen has been the only one capable of calming me down and letting me know that I DON’T have to worry over every little comment. Being busy in real life helps, and puts many of these online dealings in perspective and also what to do to make things better. That’s the good thing about feedback (both positive and negative), because you can tell if its a consistent problem that needs to be addressed or that can be improved upon OR that certain elements ARE appreciated by others and don’t need that much fixing up if at all. Though my ideal situation would be to please anyone, I am hardly going to strive for it.
The podcast and its elements (even if it is not amusing to others) is meant to be for fun. The links will no longer be promoted on community websites because its just not what I want nor what the others seem to desire with the exception of Derrick/Orophen and maybe Frei. I can’t tell what he’s thinking so… I’ll put his name there for now.
Do I feel bad about it? Yes, I do. I feel that I have taken away something from him again, and I can’t seem to wipe away that feeling of guilt that I’ve had months prior to this situation… first with ffxivblog.com and now his desire to turn zantetsuken.net into something large and impressive. He’s told me I didn’t need to feel guilty, but I do and continue to do so even after he has told me otherwise. I had considered stepping down from both zantetsuken.net and Go Team Derp! in order for him to be able to achieve what his intents and desires are, and am still considering it to this day. Am I running away? Probably. Will I really do it? Who knows? Am I tired? Hell yeah. Time to sleep. おやすみなさい～
ps. I apologize in advance if I am more incoherent than usual. >_<;