Category Archives: Life

OMG PAX 2012

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I would be lying to say if I weren’t amped, because I am. Several friends will be attending this year, the boyfriend will be there, and I’ll get to experience a bit of the Final Fantasy 25th Anniversary for myself at the ACT Theatre.

Of course, there are some things on my mind that I’ve been worrying about:

– STUFF. Like, actual stuff. If I need to worry about bringing a laptop, what clothes to bring or how many (I’m factoring in if I want to dress up a little if I go out to dinner with the boyfriend), what to pack my shit in, etc etc. Thankfully the boyfriend will be there and can carry things. This is what is great about having a boyfriend. He acts as a humanoid pack mule. Too heavy for me to carry? Give it to the boyfriend. Too much to carry? Give it to the boyfriend? Need to use the restroom? Give everything to the boyfriend. The boyfriend is great. He may be bored and meh that he is being used in this way, but I will ensure he is properly compensated for his efforts!

– On a more serious note, I am worried about actually going to PAX and staying out. My father is having major surgery this week and he and my mom need help getting things done and making sure he’s taken care of. I know that the thought of them will always be on the back of my mind, and I’m tempted to go home at the end of the day just to check in on them with my own two eyes. I just… don’t really know what to do about it. I want to be with the boyfriend and friends, but family is damn important. I’m sure they’ll be fine and I may not have to go check in on them all the time, but I can’t help but worry. This is a big flaw of mine. I’m a worrywart. Thankfully there are cellphones and hopefully decent reception at the convention center…

– Meeting people. That anxiety of, “Will they like me?” sometimes fill my mind when I realize I’ll be meeting certain people for the first time in real life. I want to run and hide, so it will be a miracle if I stand my ground and force myself to get social. Most likely I will end up doing the later rather than the former, but I still think running away for the high lands should be an acceptable course of action.

I’ll be taking pictures and maybe trying to record certain things of my adventures at PAX. But more importantly, I’m going to try and have as much fun as possible. I’ve been looking forward to PAX since the 2011 PAX Prime event ENDED, and knowing friends will be coming has made the whole con seem even cooler than before.

 

Blogs, Blogs, Blogs!

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Whenever I wake up, I often have good ideas for an entry I want to blog about. I think to myself, “I will write about this tonight! Or as soon as I can!” Then things happen and when I finally sit in front of the computer, poised to write, I feel blank and frustrated. I often forget what to write about and don’t give myself enough time in the morning to actually sit down and even jot a note to myself as to what it was I wanted to write about. It is often one of three problems I have with writing as of late. Maybe four. Er, five? I’m actually not sure how many problems I have with writing. I will probably change my mind as I write, and think to myself that maybe the problem isn’t as big as I thought it was or maybe it is and I’m trying to trivialize it too much.

One problem I know for certain isn’t trivialized is my paranoia over what I write and how I come across. I am always worried how I am perceived; strange given how I often act when I perform for the podcast. I know I try to not care as much when I am in front of friends and in a podcast that I can allow a different persona to take light. My worries over people’s perceptions of me is often attributed to my parents who have driven me to paranoia at times on how my every word, action, and presentation is taken and interpreted especially with other Filipinos present. I remember having become withdrawn due to this frequent paranoia, to the point I had become a recluse in favor of not having to deal with the stress of putting on airs. When it comes to blogging and social media, my inhibitions come in the form of not saying the derogatory comments all the time or doing a lot more potty humor than people would feel comfortable with. In fact, it is taking a great amount of will power to not go and delete a large chunk of this paragraph and it is almost driving me mad not going back to “edit” myself out. Especially when my biggest worry is being perceived as a moron.. which I care about in too many circumstances than I would like to admit.

The third problem I have concerning writing and blogging in particular is the amount of blogs I am either maintaining or writing for. For blogs that are for myself? I currently have… 2 wordpress blogs (astralcandy.com and mreh.net), 1 LiveJournal account that contains cross postings from here and private entries meant for friends only (mreh.livejournal.com), a tumblr account I have messed around on recently when toying with the idea of a photo blog, and a Penzu account for completely 100% private entries. On occassion I also write for zantetsuken.net, and have been making a point to try to write there for participation in our podcast Sequence Break XIV. That is a total of six blogs! None are updated regularly (I’m not sure anyone particularly cares), but I have started to feel that maybe I should consolidate at least two of them into one. This would either mean astralcandy and the tumblr account rolled into one with mreh.net, but I am not quite sure if this will work out for my target audiences regarding astralcandy.com and the issues I have with being able to upload photos with ease on a blog. It is something I will need to talk to Derrick about, but am hesitant to do so since he already has so much on his plate as of late. The last thing I need to do is become an added burden to him, when I am already doing more talk of wanting to bite his head and gnaw it to a bloody pulp. Love knows no bounds until you talk of gnawing your loved one’s head into a bloody pulp, I say.

And, of course, after trying to type out my thoughts and being interrupted by my boyfriend belting out Thriller to conjure up more thoughts of undead and zombies to haunt me… I have forgotten the other things I had wanted to type. See how this is a vicious cycle? It will be a wonder if I am able to write anything again in the future. In the meantime, I will probably try to think about the idea of blogging more; whether I should continue, condense my blogs, or just give it up altogether. I’ve never been confident in my writings or blogging in general, despite my boyfriend saying he enjoys both. It is our way of communicating the unsaid thoughts that go on in my perturbed mind. Unless he becomes a mind reader. Heaven knows I’d love a boyfriend who can read my every thought and avoid the silly non-sense of talking or writing out my demented ramblings.

Thanksgiving 2011

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I had wanted to write and post this earlier in the week, but refrained to collect thoughts and to also publish it when the actual date was appropriate: Thanksgiving! This year, I have found a lot to be thankful for and I felt that it was necessary to take the time to actually write them out.So, in no particular order, my thanks for this year:

 

1.) My boyfriend

We have gone through a lot, and most recently we are going through another harrowing trial with his visit being postponed, me going back to school, and my various maladies that have put the strain between us at times. I know I say many awful things about him and to him, but despite whatever happens I can’t imagine myself with anyone else and more importantly he has done a much better job handling me than anyone else has. I know I’m a handful and I even try his patience, but knowing he’s there for me is such a blessing despite the times we butt heads.

2.) My siblings

Family is important to me, and my siblings are especially so. Not just those related by blood, but those I consider and treat like a sibling. I’d be lost without them at times, because they keep me grounded, safe, and treat me just as well as I try to treat them. It drives my mother insane that I spoil my siblings, but I feel they deserve it and its all the more meaningful when they reciprocate feelings and thoughts. Which, in the end, matters to me most even if one is more stubborn than the other about how he feels about me. Let’s not even get to the twisted ways he likes to show his affections towards me…

3.) My family

My parents in particular have been very supportive of me this year. When I was let go from my job, had been thinking hard about whether or not I wanted to be a teacher, and then making the move to the medical field– they were there for me. When I was feeling really down and depressed, they were kind and supportive. They drive me insane at times, but whose parents don’t drive their child insane at times? Its a vicious cycle because I know their children drive them insane at times, too! I’ve grown especially closer to my mom lately, and I’ve found I regard my mother’s thoughts and opinions highly. Without her, I think I’d be even crazier than I am at times. I’m growing more thankful for having them in my lives and for them being my parents everyday, and even my sister found herself wishing that our mother could tag along with us on our shopping excursions. Who knew that my vehement hatred for my mother as a teenager could turn to be so different as I have grown older?

4.) Online Friends

Most of them don’t know the personal issues I am going with. That’s ok. I don’t want them to know all the gritty details. I like being the foul mouthed, highly opinionated, and insane self I would like to be around others but can’t. Everyone else I know has children, sensibilities, and aren’t bloody gamers, fans of anime/manga, or just plain ol’ geeks. The other “real life” friends are normal and boring in retrospect. These guys are the people I feel I can let my guard down and not worry so much about their opinions of me. Well, I do care in the back of my mind, but its not like it really changes how I act or feel around them. They are just people I with whom I can chill, relax, or get worked up over all at the same time. And they are cool and awesome and just as downright silly as I am at times. (Psst, did you know I used to be intimidated by Chaku? Now I think she’s just super awesome. Like me. Maybe better. SHE GETS IT.)

5.) IRL Friends

Some know the issues I am going with, and… uh… dropped the face of the earth. I’m not mad. One had very good reasons (and I am never going to fault her for it; I do wish she would at least say hi once in awhile so I know she is OK), and the other wasn’t really around for most of the year because she was traveling around the country. But those that are still around and being supportive, I am really thankful to them. I’ve always had a hard time making friends and I know I am not always a good one at times, but I try and feel I worked hard on a lot of things and relationships with people who were willing to talk to me and make things work. I cherish those people and their feedback to help me be better and stronger. They are also the people who treat ME like the younger sister and often look out for me; something I only experience with these kind, intelligent, and wonderfully strong women.

6.) Random Online People

Seriously, they amuse and entertain me. Once in awhile a few will piss me off. I can count a total of three in particular who just make me want to rage right now. But I won’t discard the good times we did have no matter how few and far between they were. For the most part, however, they have helped me by leaving insightful and thoughtful comments on twitter or on my blog and have been kind enough to support me as a uncertain and questionable blogger and podcaster.

7.) Religion

I don’t often bring up religion, because I often feel religion is a private matter. I just wanted to insert that without my religion, I think certain aspects of my life would be a little more f’ed up than the already are or were.

All About Friendships

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I am awake at this moment because right now I am angry. Angry because two days ago I was crying in an office over something that right now is making me fucking livid as shit; friends and friendships. Here is why: in real life, I don’t have many friends. The friends I do have are often from ladies that are older than myself and have a much different lifestyle that I currently have (i.e. they have a family with husband and child(ren)and I don’t). The other friends I have are online and I treasure them deeply because they fulfill a part of me that I can’t seem to get fulfilled outside of the bits of digital data flying all over the damn net. Which is why I was in the damn office crying my heart out; its hard finding the friends that I have found online in real life. The ones that play video games, won’t look at you funny because you do, and who won’t flinch when you go through a curse storm because you simply can. And most importantly… ones who can just get you and accept you for who you are; quirky personality bits and all.

So, when I am witnessing something that I feel is not right such as actions of people not treating their friendships with respect and care especially over a game– I lose my shit. I crave good friendships because they are hard to come by. Its like watching people waste food when you know there are people halfway around the globe unable to eat, but instead I am watching people shit on friendships that appear solid from the outside but is instead being shit on and tainted for ridiculous reasons. Just as I want to backhand people who waste food because they can, I want to backhand people who walk over friends because they feel that they can or that its worth it for stupid reasons.

Its times like this that I am happy to remember what my mom taught me about being humble. There is no shame in wanting the best or to be the best, but its different if it comes at the cost of others being trampled on for the quest of glory.

Ugh, fuck. I don’t even know if I am making any sense anymore because I am so damn tired and have been wanting to go to bed since 9 P.M. PST. I need to go to bed. I’m supposed to wake up early and listen to my Professor ramble about quadratic something-something at 8 A.M. So… yeah. Sleep. Hopefully when I wake up something good will happen in the morning, but I am not holding my breath on it.

Life Happens

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I know its been an extremely long time since I have last updated any of my blogs (here,astralcandy.com or even zantetsuken.net). Things have been crazy since August and for a time I just didn’t either think of writing or feel like writing. I’m trying to get back into the swing of things though, so bear with me.I’ll hopefully have something more fleshed out tomorrow or sometime after that and not months later…

Late Night Ramblings on the Podcast and Other Stuff

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Its late, I’m tired but I can’t seem to go to sleep. So here I am attempting to update a few free MMOs, check e-mails, and some blogs, and flesh out some thoughts I’ve been bottling up inside for the past few weeks. There is stuff on PAX, but I’m conflicted if I want to blog about it or not and will most likely revisit the idea of it at a later time or date.

So, right off the bat; the podcast. Last week we got a lot of attention- more than I ever really wanted. A lot of it had to do with miscommunication and misunderstandings. It made me remember what was went through with ffxivblog.com last year and my desire to get away from it as much as possible. However, that didn’t happen since I was unable to say no or immediately clarify my intents and purposes to the others, and was unable to say no to Derrick/Orophen’s desire to do something big despite me desiring something more low key and for personal enjoyment. So the incidents that happened after the series of posts on G+ and then on forums were not really my idea, but I feel like I have no choice to accept blame for them because it wouldn’t have happened if I had been clearer from the get go.

That said, I can’t cry over the negative feedback we get because it was deserved and also warranted whether I liked it or not. When you put yourself out there, there are going to be people who like you and those who don’t. The problem, however, is when on a personal level, I become hyper obsessed with wanting things to be perfect. I did, at one point, follow the links back and read the comments, and had driven myself mad thinking I needed to fit people’s perceptions on what a good show is or isn’t. This didn’t go well on top of many other personal issues going on, and nearly drove myself to a mental breakdown and became one of two reasons why I didn’t make it to the fifth episode recording (the second reason being I needed to pack for PAX and make sure the other three people were ready as well).

At this very moment I am still in a weird mental and emotional state. I’m trying to take things in stride, but my personal life is becoming an ugly mess and is probably making it harder for me to just completely shrug my shoulders and not care. I’m stressed over things I know I shouldn’t be stressed over, and Derrick/Orophen has been the only one capable of calming me down and letting me know that I DON’T have to worry over every little comment. Being busy in real life helps, and puts many of these online dealings in perspective and also what to do to make things better. That’s the good thing about feedback (both positive and negative), because you can tell if its a consistent problem that needs to be addressed or that can be improved upon OR that certain elements ARE appreciated by others and don’t need that much fixing up if at all. Though my ideal situation would be to please anyone, I am hardly going to strive for it.

The podcast and its elements (even if it is not amusing to others) is meant to be for fun. The links will no longer be promoted on community websites because its just not what I want nor what the others seem to desire with the exception of Derrick/Orophen and maybe Frei. I can’t tell what he’s thinking so… I’ll put his name there for now.

Do I feel bad about it? Yes, I do. I feel that I have taken away something from him again, and I can’t seem to wipe away that feeling of guilt that I’ve had months prior to this situation… first with ffxivblog.com and now his desire to turn zantetsuken.net into something large and impressive. He’s told me I didn’t need to feel guilty, but I do and continue to do so even after he has told me otherwise. I had considered stepping down from both zantetsuken.net and Go Team Derp! in order for him to be able to achieve what his intents and desires are, and am still considering it to this day. Am I running away? Probably. Will I really do it? Who knows? Am I tired? Hell yeah. Time to sleep. おやすみなさい～

ps. I apologize in advance if I am more incoherent than usual. >_<;

Stumbling Through the Door

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After a long and rather rough ride home from an otherwise very pleasant and enjoyable stay at Victoria, BC, I am back home! I have quite a hefty entry to write but am too fatigued both mentally and physically to write it just yet. However, I wanted to announce that I have linked this blog onto my Livejournal account! Hopefully it will be easier for friends who are on Livejournal to keep up with my escapades or at least let them know I DO exist! I am also going to make some sort of attempt at promoting the podcast I am on since the others are trying their best to promote its existence. It is mostly Final Fantasy XI and XIV related, so it will probably never make any sense to the random listener… but! At least you know its there!

Link to the Final Fantasy XI & XIV blog and podcast website: Zantetsuken.net

Too Busy To Think

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Since the arrival of my cousin, I’ve found myself increasingly busy. Not that its a bad thing; in fact quite the opposite! Because I am often busy trying to juggle several things at once or think of ways to entertain my guest, I’ve found that it has kept me from dwelling too much on things and succumb to depression. Too much thinking = depression or anxiety or what have you. Of course, the downside is sometimes not having enough down time for myself to do the things I need to do, but its something I am feeling quite content with. Probably the only constant thought that has been plaguing me is being unable to contribute enough financial resources, but I am going to hopefully be able to recoup the losses if I can land the part time jobs I’ve applied for. Here is hoping!

So far, everything has been going pretty smoothly. I say this because at times my temperamental sibling can often really drive a rift between parties with her anger management issues, and it has been the case during previous visits from my cousin. Thankfully it hasn’t scared her away 100% as is proofed by the fact she came to visit us again this year.

This year, we had even done something I never once thought I would do or enjoy doing: ride a duck. Now this might seem strange and you might be asking yourself, “Calaera, how on earth are you able to ride a duck!?” Easy! By riding one of these:

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During my time working in Seattle, I had often seen these vehicles and the faces of the poor tourists who looked embarrassed to be sitting with people daring to sing, dance, clap, scream, and wave at nearby people who are either in their car or out or even on another duck vehicle. I swore that I would never ride one. It seemed silly and ridiculous and really weird. Then, of course, I was given an opportunity to ride one this month. Typically I would have said no but the choices left to me by saying no left me were less than desirable and I decided to ride without shame and even touting a loud and very annoying duck whistle. The ride itself was actually enjoyable. Silly? Yes. Embarrassing? Without a doubt! Fun? Most definitely! I actually learned more useless facts about Seattle, Sleepless in Seattle, and found other little areas that I had trouble finding on my own during previous excursions. Would I recommend it? Yes! But if you are in town and want to ride it, definitely take it from the West Lake center. They allow more time to float in the water and are able to talk about more interesting trivia info that you may not have otherwise heard on the Seattle Center location.

I also had experienced my first 3D movie at the Seattle Pacific Center IMAX theater and was sorely disappointed and also justified in my view point of the uselessness of 3D. We had seen the last Harry Potter movie a few days ago (Harry Pottery and the Deathly Hallows part 2), and I had suffered through too many cons to actually find the 3D experience worthwhile. They were:

1. Eye Fatigue
2. Lack of meaningful 3D moments. The instances they did use 3D was very short and few and far between.
3. Made me feel more tense because of the constant eye fatigue

Ok, so that was just three points I was able to make and I will make the concession that I realize that this movie in particular was probably not the best way to experience 3D for the first time. Yet even knowing this, I doubt I will really want to experience a 3D movie again. It is paying extra money for watching a movie that is often not originally shot in 3D and has the effects tacked onto there as an after thought. What do I get out of it? Eye fatigue, physical stress from trying to continually adjust to the glasses, and then the realization I paid a few extra bucks for an experience that leaves me walking out of the theater wishing I could have been able to watch the movie in 2D instead and without the feeling of wanting to gouge out my eyes. Whew.

Aside from the awful experience, the movie was great and has me feeling sad that the series has now come to an end film wise.

I would honestly like to write more at this point, but I know I should start heading to bed. The weekend will be kicking off to a Jazz concert at Benaroya Hall, a day of racquetball and maybe badminton, and a two day visit to Victoria, BC. Exciting, no?

Journey to Lose Weight

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Since I was about six or maybe seven years-of-age, I had been struggling with weight issues and had brought a lot of contention in my family and home since, well, I was a chubby Filipina kid. I remember frequently being scolded to exercise when I had no concept of the idea, and it didn’t help at all that running around brought upon fits of asthma attacks that created  frequent trips to the hospital. Years later, I had went through phases of losing weight, gaining it back, and continuing that cycle up until now.

This time, I am trying hard to beat that cycle and continue to stay healthy. I’m not getting younger and I my desire to live long to enjoy life with my loved ones has become stronger as of late. It hasn’t been easy, however, as two persistent problems have cropped up to make things difficult: my lower back and my chest. My chest has only started up recently and I’m not sure what exactly is wrong. I think it may have been an adverse reaction to Advair that I had experienced a year ago, but the lingering pains has me worried it might be something else. I’ve had to turn down my workouts quite a bit just to ensure I do not end up in the ER, again…

As for the back pain? Proper lifting technique and knowing ones limits goes a long way. I had foolishly attempted to lift an extremely heavy box with awful lifting technique and tweaked my back. Its gotten better, but I always need to be careful of what I do or else the pains will come back. I’m currently laughed at because the pains make me look and feel as though I am 60 or older.

Despite these two continuous problems I’ve faced in the past few weeks, I’ve also made great strides thanks to my sister, brother, and boyfriend. They have said that success rates for exercising is greater if you have a partner to help encourage you; it doesn’t work if you have someone who will demotivate you or be the little devil to tell you its ok to go for one day, then another, and another! I had practically begged for her help in being my workout partner at the newly built YMCA, so that I would not be alone and that I could have someone practically nag me to go even when I didn’t feel like it. My boyfriend does almost the same thing but in a different way. Because I manage a linkshell on XI and XIV, I often worry if I am neglecting it and if I need to do more or be on more. Couple this with the occasional bouts of depression and anxiety, it brews for rather anxious ridden times when I feel reluctant to want to go exercise. Derrick is the one who will then give me the permission I have trouble giving myself to go do what I need to do to take care of myself. My younger brother, however, is an anomaly. He doesn’t really get me to workout, nor does he motivate me. In fact, he taunts me in subtle ways and is possibly mocking me as well. Actually… he’s more of a pain in the ass. Yet I cannot deny that his actions amuses me at times and that before my persistent chest pains, he was able to push me further than I would have originally done on my own.

Since the eight weeks I’ve started to workout, I haven’t really lost much weight except for the initial water weight loss. I have, however, began to build up more muscle mass and have started to tone up my body. Though I guess I have lost quite a bit of weight as certain articles of clothing have either started to become loose or have started to become noticeably baggy on myself. Hah! I have a long way to go, however, but I am not really caring about it. I feel that loosing weight is sort of the natural result of me just getting back to being active. Hell, I had a <i>blast</i> just playing Racquetball even if I sucked at it. Then again, who would have thought that the goggles really would have come in handy and I would have my eye hit within minutes of starting play? Did you? I for sure did not. Thank goodness my normal glasses were not on, because I shudder to think about broken pieces of glass shoved into my eye… *shudder*

Going Back to School

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For many months, I knew I was going to go back to school in some capacity. I had been considering it and decided that I was going to go ahead and go through with it. I’m fairly excited about going back to school with the exception of the fact that I am still uncertain about the future and what my second career path would be (although I am VERY keen on doing Nursing to some capacity…) down the road.

I am currently taking a math course that I had originally took ten years ago (hah!) and an English class I had miraculously not taken during my time there (I was fairly certain I had taken a good portion of them). More courses will be taken as I figure out exactly what I want to focus my realm of studies in and when I feel I have a solid footing of looking at books again.

Now if only the Magic 8 Ball could accurately tell me what kind of career is the right fit for someone like me…