I’ve made resolutions in the past to blog more and have many random thoughts and desires of wanting to blog more. I often open up WordPress, Word, or any number of programs I use to write with, and more often than not I end up not publishing whatever gibberish I wrote or planned to write. Funny thing is, I wasn’t always this way. I had a Livejournal and another self hosted blog that I would write in whenever the mood struck me. Random things, short things, long things, whatever. It was written and published without so much as a second thought. Ah, to be young, naive, and free of inhibitions!
I am older now, more conscious, more aware, and more conflicted. Many blogs I read are written very eloquently, themed, have deep thoughts and me!? I’m some putz that just writes about weird shit no one really cares about and in a way that makes one kind of wonder how the hell I earned my degree (I know I do).
I’ve thought about this for a very, very long time. This thought about my thoughts on blogging, my views on it, and how I’ve approached it. And you know what? I’m kinda tired of it. I miss the days of blogging just to blog. Twitter has taken up that space, but sometimes there are things I want to write that need more than just 140 characters. Sometimes I want to just ramble and rant and rave and seem like a lunatic. Where can I do that without restraint? Duh, here.
And you know what? I have nothing to lose. I have no viewership. I have no dedicated readers. I just have me. Me and my damn blog. I’m blogging the way I want to, dammit, and no one is gonna stop me!
I am awake at this moment because right now I am angry. Angry because two days ago I was crying in an office over something that right now is making me fucking livid as shit; friends and friendships. Here is why: in real life, I don’t have many friends. The friends I do have are often from ladies that are older than myself and have a much different lifestyle that I currently have (i.e. they have a family with husband and child(ren)and I don’t). The other friends I have are online and I treasure them deeply because they fulfill a part of me that I can’t seem to get fulfilled outside of the bits of digital data flying all over the damn net. Which is why I was in the damn office crying my heart out; its hard finding the friends that I have found online in real life. The ones that play video games, won’t look at you funny because you do, and who won’t flinch when you go through a curse storm because you simply can. And most importantly… ones who can just get you and accept you for who you are; quirky personality bits and all.
So, when I am witnessing something that I feel is not right such as actions of people not treating their friendships with respect and care especially over a game– I lose my shit. I crave good friendships because they are hard to come by. Its like watching people waste food when you know there are people halfway around the globe unable to eat, but instead I am watching people shit on friendships that appear solid from the outside but is instead being shit on and tainted for ridiculous reasons. Just as I want to backhand people who waste food because they can, I want to backhand people who walk over friends because they feel that they can or that its worth it for stupid reasons.
Its times like this that I am happy to remember what my mom taught me about being humble. There is no shame in wanting the best or to be the best, but its different if it comes at the cost of others being trampled on for the quest of glory.
Ugh, fuck. I don’t even know if I am making any sense anymore because I am so damn tired and have been wanting to go to bed since 9 P.M. PST. I need to go to bed. I’m supposed to wake up early and listen to my Professor ramble about quadratic something-something at 8 A.M. So… yeah. Sleep. Hopefully when I wake up something good will happen in the morning, but I am not holding my breath on it.
We’ve talked about it and we did it. We came back to XIV. To what capacity? I have no idea. At the moment we are currently on Mysidia which seems to be a server largely populated by the Japanese. Some are ranking up quite nicely while there are others like myself and Orophen who had waited to level up together and then managed to get levels pretty quickly thanks to the patches.
Right now its a good change of pace. There are still things wonky in XIV, but its also apparent things are different and are changing. There are a handful of changes that have been good and others that aren’t as much. Personally, I’m enjoying the auto-attack. My boyfriend has been very adamant against it and still doesn’t seem to like it very much. He even scorns those that now complain the battles are slow because of the introduction of auto-attack. I don’t personally see it, especially since I’ve had to deal with cool down timers a lot as a mage. What DOES suck is how much more easily I seem to get hate now than I did then (unless I am remembering things incorrectly). Curing, for example, can easily get me killed if I don’t let Orophen establish enough hate via weapon skills. It is almost as though I have dumped a bunch of Cure IVs on him and bam! I’m mowed down like a punk ass. Nuking in and of itself is also a crazy mess but it has also inadvertently saved the day many times thanks to the high amount umbral and astral damage it does; definitely more than I remember it having done when I was leveling THM aeons ago. However, I’m still eagerly waiting for BLM as it is far more potent and suits my tastes far more than the debuffer position that THM holds. Though I guess I should be more aware of how many more deaths I’m going to eat when I do make the switch over…
As for our XI exploits, they will sort of be haphazard during the month of August. My schedule will be chaotic due to a visiting relative, and I’ve left care of the team in the hands of Hiroshiko, Rubicon, and Orophen. Two of them I know I can count on. One of them is questionable at best, and has me worried if anything will happen at all during my absence. There has also been an issue within the linkshell itself, of which I go into detail here. Since then more bits of drama had been pasted onto it, and I’ve found that neither party is willing to make its move; which is fine by me. I’m OK with a stalemate because I personally see no reason to do any chasing and I’m sure the other person is feeling the same way. My only desire at this point is for my members/friends (for me and my ls the two are synonymous) to stop being stalked and checked up on for absurd reasons. Example of absurd reason: fear of being replaced despite having a.) left and b.) me asking members to overlap on jobs if they are both willing and able even when said person was still with us. We are a small LS that fills in holes for others when they aren’t there or needing to cover other areas; I would be doing us a disservice not asking them to cover jobs if they are willing and able to do so. There are also people that just want to level the job because they want to without me having to poke and prod them; who the fuck am I to tell them to stop? That is their prerogative and I won’t kick them just because they are doing something that the other person does out of sheer boredom.
Since I have made my Twitter private for an undisclosed amount of time, some intrepid followers may have noticed my weekly grumblings on the days of Mondays and Tuesdays. It is on these days that I am with another LS doing Abyssea events, of which I had been invited into the LS by my friends who had been in this particular LS for a number of years doing other events with them. It has also been an LS that had helped me get many atma, clears to Shinryu, and a number of goodies I would not have otherwise gotten. Which is why I feel conflicted and utterly pained when I feel like I have to drag my ass and force myself not to complain so much with the turn of events as of late.
For a number of weeks we we will typically see the insides of Altepa or La Theine (it was formerly Misareaux) farming for (or attempting to) Empyrean weapon items. Once in awhile we will go do something else, but… I am so honestly sick of those two zones that I feel like its pulling my teeth to go. It doesn’t help when I feel people are ignoring the memo on farming Tiger King’s Hide out of Gold Pyxis is better than killing that stupid Ansherekh over and over and over again and week after week. But what do we end up doing week after week? Killing that damn tiger in hopes we get the hide to get the pops, to get the KI, and then to get the items needed for someone’s weapon. I honestly wouldn’t mind this if it were more efficient, but its not… and its driving me batty. I guess I just need a change of pace as well. There are other members who could use +2 items or more of it, but we hardly go out to get those items. Even my friend is put off when she is overlooked for getting seals for her Empyrean armor, but feels like she can’t say anything because of the same situation I am in.
Meh! At least me going to the gym to workout has proven to be a good exit out of runs I am starting to find tedious and displeasing. It also gives me fuel to work out intensely once I get there and want to burn off some steam… so, eh? Other than that, it did make me think about what Hiroshiko had said before and why he felt the need to join another LS. I’m wanting to do the same myself, but finding the time for it is what seems to be the most challenging of all… I already have enough on my plate that I either have to do or would rather do because its with great people that I can laugh and have fun with (yes, that’s a shout out to mreh/TeamDerp!). Now if only Hiroshiko and Kimiko would stop acting like they were too good to hang out with us~ ;o; We need more lulz thankyouverymuch!
I will feel almost like a hypocrite writing this because I have understandably leveled mostly the “princess” classes since I started playing XI: WHM, BRD, and then BLM as it has been reseated with the advent of Abyssea. However, because I think I usually played as those classes, I never really encountered the whole princess attitude until last night. Maybe I have, but I just don’t remember. I just can’t stop thinking of the Elvaan male BLM cocking his head, snapping his fingers, and swaying his hips with gusto as he demanded chests to be opened for him and wonder… “Why?”
I know BLMs are needed. I know people want the azure, the nukes, and people who can sleep all the mobs that are pulled. My problem is that I don’t get why people need to pull an attitude and feel they are above others when they really aren’t. If you see there is something in a chest and can’t open it, to me that just screams you are stupid and lazy. If you don’t bother going off to solo mobs near the party at level 90, then you are still stupid and lazy. Its like this cancer that is dressed up in pretty clothes and high damage numbers, but is still in the end a cancer that is feeding off of others and inflating an ego that is too large for its own good.
I guess what bugs me the most is that I know if I were there, I wouldn’t be pulling the unnecessary attitude because it just screams bullshit. BLMs aren’t the end all be all of XI. Especially when there are so many others that can fill that space and not pull out the princess wank. In fact, I’d probably take a BLM that wasn’t doing as much damage if they had a better attitude over one that has a piss poor attitude. /rant
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I am happy to announce that my BLU is now 90 and that I was able to upgrade my Goetia Gloves to +2.
I feel a bit weird about BLU at the moment. I feel as though I am not doing sufficient amount of damage, and that is attributed to several things that correlate to gear, merits, and possible spell choices. The gear choices I am sure will take some time as BLU isn’t my primary focus in any of my LSes, and that merits and such will come as I get back into the groove of playing that class again. Though a part of me is wondering if maybe I am over thinking things and I am actually doing ok… something I doubt as I can’t help but get a nagging feeling at the back of my head every time I am playing as a BLU. Quad. Cont. for example has numbers flying all over the place with the lowest at 479 and the highest clocking in at 2413… but I can’t complain too much since I was at least dealing the most damage before Reiokyu joined in the fray. So, eh? ._.;